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Friday, May 13, 2011



It's 5:54 in the morning. I woke up from a dream that shook me inside and tore me to pieces. My dad was saying goodbye...Forever. All I could think about as I close my eyes were my moments with him, memories we've created over time like flashcards. Things we did, words he said, our laughter, our happy times. I am proudly my papa's favorite girl and everyone knows and somehow accepts that. Even my brother and sister. My dad is a good dad, he isn't perfect (but who is?) He tired his best though, that I know - he still does.



You see, I am a child of divorced parents. My mom and dad got married at 16, had me and a year later had my sister. My childhood was unconventional at the least. It was filled with drama and tears but there were also great, happy memories. I think I read somewhere that as a child one of our coping mechanism is we tend to set negative experiences aside to a place very dark never to be remembered again, until a cousin or a relative reminds you - "remember the time when..."



My mom and dad had a tumultuous relationship and my brother and I were the innocent spectators of that very unhappy relationship. We were the baggage that my mom had to carry every time she left the house to leave my dad and every time she left, my heart sinks to the floor and breaks into million pieces - over and over. I want to be with my dad but I want to be with my mom too. I beg, I plead, I make promises that I'll be a good girl - blaming myself for what happened. If I cried harder would she stay? If I promised to be good, would she stay? She never did.



As a result, I went to multiple schools throughout my school life. I've got thousands of friends and thousands more acquaintances. I've seen way too much, way too soon. But throughout my childhood I have had many saving graces. We have had to depend on the kindness of other people, friends and family and they always took us in and took care of us, helped us and even nurtured us. Those were the longest years of my life. I thought it would never pass.






I used to be embarrassed to say where I come from, who my parents are. I have this perfect picture in my head of that perfect family and every time I close my eyes, it used to hurt me to know that it will never be, until I found the courage to be me, to love me for who I am and where I came from. I realized that if I can't love myself for who I am, nobody can. I had to learn to love freely and unconditionally. I had to learn to let my past go, to forgive my parents and myself. It's OK. I'm OK. I am perfectly imperfect in my imperfectly perfect world.






Now I am a mom to a beautiful 11 year old little girl. She is my heart and my soul. She is part me and part her dad. She is divine. A product of love. I've learned so many things from my parents which translates into how I parent today. I took the good and made it better and threw all the bad away.






Today, I have a better understanding of who I am as a person and what I want from relationships in my life. I've understood and accepted that I may not be able to change my past but I can shape my future. I am because of the kindness of others, I am because those experiences made me who I am today.






Life is short, life is precious. Do not spend another moment being mad or angry. Heal yourself by letting go and forgiving. We are only humans and we are not perfect but we have to keep on believing that everyone is always trying their best every time, with what they have and with what they are given. Love your family, they're the only ones you have. Forgive easily because it doesn't do you well to hang on to negativity. Breathe kindness, breathe compassion, breathe love, and most of all, BE LOVE.






XOXO






-E